Well this is it the penultimate blog post… How do i know that well it is because I am mass publishing all of these as I write them in my lovely project book and then literally copy them onto this blog in batches for my course.
I cannot deny that I may continue this process after my course has ended as it does tend to organise ones thoughts. Anywhoo onto the reason for this blog post
This is a sort of ramble about things I have come to terms with during lockdown. Firstly I have never liked doing evaluations or research or essays or to be honest any amount of written work that i do not find inherently interesting. That is a fact that has been a part of my being since primary school however as I have got older I have compromised with myself to just get it done as it is in my mind the lesser of two evils. However this lockdown has really pushed me to limits. I have always had an underlying anger issue while it rarely flares up I am sure there are a handful of people out there that have experienced it firsthand sometimes even on shoots which while unprofessional and I hope never to repeat , is still a level of catharsis that is equal to nirvana…
However quite the opposite has occurred during lockdown, there is no where to vent I basically live alone, I cannot go to the gym, cannot swim, cannot do a lot of my usual anger and energy outlets. This has led to what I affectionately call “One more thing and I am going to launch something out the window…. disorder”
To put this bluntly I have been bouncing between a state of mutual hatred and anger to bouts of melancholy (fancy word I know but an apt descriptor) this in turn has affected my work flow. That is to say it is flowing about as smoothly as a brick wall.. so not at all.
Work piles up and just let it. Then when I push myself to do it something else happens and i have to go to a funeral. Suffice it to say it has left me rather Jaded to everything….
This story is not without a silver lining, lockdown is beginning to ease and I go away for a while up to Scotland where I find is far more peaceful then anywhere else I know. Then I come home and realise what an idiot I have been. I had come close to messing up and entire year all due to my own faults. Then to top it off pride intervenes so i try to fix and finish everything on my own quietly and without further failure.
That was all written over the course of a couple of months abridged down as my own scribbled thoughts tended to get repeated from time to time. Looking back I am glad this happened in a way as it showed me one of the biggest things holding me back in film, media and in general life. That being pride and arrogance, I could have easily helped myself out and asked for extra help off of my tutors but instead I would barely email them like a fool. This needs to be fixed going forward as filmmaking is only going to get harder from here and I cannot hide behind weakness forever. More than that if i want to make something truly great I need to be able to ask for help and collaborate and most importantly get the job done even when life is making it bad.
No more ranting now you can rest easy.
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